Destiny
by Gray Eyed Fighter
Summary: Kel's thought during her vigil before the Ordeal. RR luv ya!


**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. I think that most of my readers are smart enough to figure that out.**

**The song is Loreena McKennitt's _"The Mummer's Dance" _ If you have the song on a CD or downloaded somewhere, listen to it while you read. It really accentuates the mood of this story. It makes it better than just reading alone.**

**Read my other story please, "Love her for that".**

**luv ya!**

As I walked into the cold room, I was lost in thought. Raoul left me at the door, to give me privacy while I bathed.

I slowly stepped through the archway of cold stone into the even colder chamber. I stared at the small pool of cold water in the center of the room. I could feel the purifying magic floating off of it. Taking a deep breath, I stepped forwards and slipped off my tunic and breeches, then slid into the water.

_**When in the springtime of the year **_

_**When the trees are crowned with leaves **_

As the iciness hit me, I took a minute to steady myself. Soon my body became numb, and used to the freezing cold of the bath. I had been told the story behind, and the purpose of the cold bath before an Ordeal. It was made to freeze out any impurities in the future knight, and was doing a good job on me. The magic combined with the heat, or lack thereof was a sort of pre test for the future knight. It was undeniably colder than any river I had ever swum in. But I was determined that no water, however cold, would tear me away from my dream of knighthood. I would have plunged into the Olorun River at midnight in winter, if it would earn me my shield.

I slipped out of the cold water, my wet body hitting cold air, my feet on frozen marble. I was given a short white robe, which I gently placed around me, while one attendant fastened my hair into a horsetail.

_**When the ash & oak, & the birch & yew **_

_**Are dressed in ribbons fair **_

As I exited the chamber, I was met with two grave faces. They were those of my knight master, and the Chief Magistrate. I was in awe of these two knights, who had not only passed the Ordeal, but had also earned names for themselves. They were known throughout the realm. My knight master began to instruct me in the ways of the knight.

I didn't need to be instructed. From the age of eight, I had the Code of Chivalry memorized. I knew exactly what was expected of a knight, and I knew that I would walk to the Black God's gate and back before I ever broke any of those rules. Little did I know that I would have to choose between the law and what was right in less than a year.

_**When owls call the breathless moon **_

_**In the blue veil of the night **_

When they finished speaking, my knight master looked me in the eye, and asked if I was ready. Ready to undergo the Ordeal, and thereby risk being defeated. Ready to choose and walk my path, however hard it may turn out to be.

I looked deep inside myself. Was I ready for this? Would I stick to my destined road to the end? Was i ready to become a knight?

_**The shadows of the trees appear **_

_**Amidst the lantern light **_

The answer came to me as I reflected. I was ready. i had been ready for this for a long time, and this was my chance. I nodded to them and accepted my destiny.

Raoul walked me to the door of the Chapel of the Ordeal. He left at the door, squeezing my shoulder one last time.

I walked to the alter at the front of the vast hall. My footsteps echoed against the cold stone walls. My presence seemed insignificant in the hall that had the power to decide my fate.

Gazing at the door that I would shortly pass through, I sat before the steps.

_**We've been rambling all the night **_

_**And some time of this day **_

_**Now returning back again **_

_**We bring a garland gay **_

I reflected on my past. I had nothing that I regretted. I had tried my hardest to fulfill my life. In the Yamani Islands, I had always aided my family, and those in need, even the children who had shunned me before my family had gained imperial favor. I had always been of aid as a page. I would have repeated my page years for saving my maid.

_**Who will go down to those shady groves **_

_**And summon the shadows there **_

My mind paused there. Would I have done it, really? Would i have gone through another four years of training as a page while all of my friends were squires? A large part of my mind told me that yes, I would have done it. I would have repeated the years five times over if it meant becoming a knight.

My squire years were some of the hardest, the best, and the most fulfilling of my life. I felt that I had accomplished more in four years with Lord Raoul than in my previous fourteen years of existence. I had learned to joust as a knight, I had led a fight against the Scanrans and the killing machines when the Sergeant had been injured.

_**And tie a ribbon on those sheltering arms **_

_**In the springtime of the year **_

My thoughts wandered to my present. I was happy as I was. I had trained my hardest, and was the squire of one of the greatest knights of the realm. I would soon be a Lady Knight of the realm of Tortall. A part of my mind insisted that i had not yet undergone my Ordeal, and may not become a knight. I pushed that part of my mind away.

_**The songs of birds seem to fill the wood **_

_**That when the fiddler plays **_

The only thing I missed in my life was having someone else. I wished for someone special, such as Neal and Yuki had. I was with Cleon, but we had drifted apart in the year following his Ordeal. Even so, we had never really been as close as other couples. We exchanged kisses occasionally, but i knew that it could never last. He was betrothed to a court lady, and things between us would never be the same again. There was Domitan, the blue eyed sergeant, who I had a crush on, but who couldn't seem to see past my exterior, and only saw me like everyone else had: as a sexless squire, and friend, never as anything else.

_**All their voices can be heard **_

_**Long past their woodland days **_

My future was the only part of me that made me nervous. I didn't know if I would come out of the Chamber of the Ordeal alive. I could feel the eyes of Tortall on me. Sir Alanna had made it, but that could have been because she was supposed to be a boy. The population of Tortall was watching me. I could prove once and for all that women can make it as far as men. I wanted to be like the Lioness, but I didn't even know if that was possible. I knew that the first thing to do was to get through the night. In the morning, the Chamber would decide my fate.

_**We've been rambling all the night **_

_**And some time of this day **_

_**Now returning back again **_

_**We bring a garland gay **_

I reflected on the Code of Chivalry, thinking about what I would do if I survived. I couldn't bear to think of what would happen if I didn't.

_**And so they linked their hands & danced **_

_**Round in circles & in rows **_

My mind waver for the last part of the early morning, until light began to pass through my closed eyelids. My stiff legs uncurled and stood me up, seemingly on their own. My mind didn't register the sound of many people filing into the Chapel to watch the Ordeal of a possible future Lady Knight.

_**And so the journey of the night descends **_

_**When all the shades are gone **_

I walked slowly up the stone steps to the Chamber and laid my hand on the bronze handle. I paused. My mind was racing. I could end right now. All I had to do was turn and walk away. If I did, then I wouldn't be risking my life in a stone room. I faltered. Now that I was inches away from my dream, and gazing at its door, for the first time ever, I was having serious doubts of my talent. For the first time, I was uncertain as to whether this was what I really wanted to do.

_**A garland gay we bring you here **_

_**And at your door we stand **_

Pushing these thoughts to the far corner of my mind, I opened the door and stepped into the cold dark stone chamber.

_**It is a sprout well budded out **_

_**The work of our lord's hand **_

Behind me, the door shut with a noise that echoed through my very bones.

I accepted Destiny.

_**We've been rambling all the night **_

_**And some time of this day **_

_**Now returning back again **_

_**We bring a garland gay **_


End file.
